there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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