if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
