Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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