he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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