I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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