apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
