the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
