I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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