Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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