smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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