just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
