The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
