Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
