I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
