I think I died a long time ago.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
