Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
