you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
