Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
