You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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