This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
