First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize