he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
