if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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