It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My dad is sitting where you rode me
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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