You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
