I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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