I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
