I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize