remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she woke up with a sticky ear
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize