Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
