make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
