took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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