she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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