You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
