Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
