Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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