I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize