you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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