Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
