I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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