I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
