Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
