do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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