but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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