We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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