can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
