We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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