you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
