Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
