Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
