The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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