My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
