I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
