So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
