Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
