walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
