yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
