Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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