I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
