i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize